Santana vs Ikea
by WorldOfTilt
Summary: Brittany and Max want to go to Ikea but Santana really hates Ikea, that is until she realizes it has toys, food, and beds.


A/N: I totally lied about Dinner 3 being the last part in my Midnight Snack Universe. You don't have to read any of the others to read this, the only thing you need to know is that Brittany and Santana have a son called Max and he has Santana wrapped around his little finger.

It was a Sunday morning a few months after the wedding. Santana was cleaning up from breakfast while Brittany and Max were cleaning his room. Santana finished cleaning quickly, excited at the thought of a lazy Sunday. She couldn't remember the last time she was able to get through the whole Sunday paper and was greatly looking forward to it. She put the last dish away, took a satisfying deep breath, and walked towards the old worn armchair by the window. Melting into the soft leather, she had just picked the paper up when she heard Brittany's voice from down the hall.

"Sannnnnnnnn!"

"Nope, not gonna get up. Just gonna pretend I can't hear her." Santana said into the paper.

"Sannnnnnn! I know you can hear me!" Brittany's voice boomed through the apartment. "Come into Max's room for a minute please!"

"She better let me get her very naked tonight," Santana huffed while throwing the paper down and stomping into Max's room.

"Hi baby!" Brittany smiled.

"Britt, I thought we agreed we were going to have a quiet, everyone do their own thing, Sunday?" Santana whined, flopping onto Max's bed.

"I didn't realize that meant we couldn't talk to each other. In that case maybe it also means we can't do other things. Later. Or you know since we are all doing our own things maybe you'll just have to do your own thing later tonight also," Brittany finished and gave Santana an "I win" look.

"No, no. We can do things together," Santana sat up anxiously.

"Thought so."

"Britt, why did you call me in here?" Santana fell back down pulling a plastic dinosaur out from under her.

"Max needs a Trofast for his room and a Leatorp, and maybe a Koppang," Brittany answered, "his books are all over the place and his toy bins are overflowing.

"Did you just have a stroke?" Santana jumped off the bed, putting her hand to Brittany's forehead as if checking for a fever.

"No...did you?" Brittany swatted Santana's hand away.

"Britt, are you even speaking English? What are you talking about?" Santana felt her own head for a fever.

"Gosh, Santana, be more dramatic," Brittany giggled, "they are pieces of furniture from Ikea."

Suddenly Santana's world got very, very small. She was feeling faint and it looked as if Brittany was sitting at the end of a very narrow tunnel. "I...I don't feel so good," Santana mumbled out.

"Santana Lopez. Grow up. I said Ikea, not a war zone." Brittany shook her head.

"Britt, you know I hate that place! It creeps me out and it's so crowded and I always get lost!" Santana huffed, hitting Max's bed with her fists.

"First of all, you've been there exactly one time and you got yourself lost because you needed to sit in every single chair and lost sight of me. Second, it's not creepy, it's amazing you just don't appreciate it, and thirdly, we live in New York City, everywhere is crowded, you can't use that as an excuse." Brittany finished her speech and put away the last of Max's books.

"No, I'm not going." Santana crossed her arms over her chest.

"I want to go to Ikea!" Max joined in from playing on the floor.

"This is a democracy, majority rules. Go get dressed." Brittany smirked at Santana.

"Fine, but you owe me." Santana pouted on her way out of the room.

An hour later the Lopez-Pierce family was on their way to Ikea.

"Look, I can see the big yellow letters!" Max yelled out, pointing to the unmistakable sign.

They found a parking spot "only three miles from the entrance," Santana observed. They found a cart Max could sit in, which made him very excited. Brittany put Santana in charge of wheeling the cart figuring she'd stay on path if Max was with her.

"Ok, let's make a plan," Brittany laughed to herself seeing the look of fear on Santana's face. "We will start in the kids section, which is right upstairs, then we can have lunch and reevaluate, sound good?" Brittany put her hand out.

"Sounds good!" Max replied, putting his hand over Brittany's.

"Fine," Santana sighed, placing her hand over Max's.

"Aaaaand go team!" Brittany yelled, all three raising their arms.

They made it to the children's section unharmed, Santana only scoffing at one slow walker, which Brittany considered a success. Max got out of the cart to play with the stuffed animals, with Santana close behind and Brittany checking out the toy storage options.

"Mom look at this!" Max held up an odd looking stuffed toy towards Santana.

"What is that?" Santana squinted, trying to make out the shape.

"It's a stuffed toy shaped like broccoli!" Max giggled, throwing it at Santana.

She caught the odd toy, giving it a once over with her signature skeptical look before cracking a small smile. "What other veggies do they have?" Santana asked Max, walking closer.

"Carrots! And look at all the animals! They have a stuffed Guinea Pig!" Max laughed while squeezing all the toys.

"Gimme that," Santana took a seat next to Max, taking the stuffed carrot and a stuffed rabbit out of his arms. "Look, Max! Look at the bunny eating this big stuffed carrot!" Santana laughed, miming the action. "And look at this, look the broccoli and the carrot are dancing together!" She wrapped the carrots arms around the broccoli and swayed them in the air.

"I'm going to make this mouse ride the carrot like a horse!" Max exclaimed, while Santana gave him an enthusiastic "yes."

"Look, that pig has a ballerina outfit on!" Santana crawled over to another display grabbing the pig and a big snake with a crinkly tongue.

"What are you guys playing with?" Brittany walked over, her big yellow bag already filled with stuff.

"Look at these toys!" Santana jumped up, giving Brittany a kiss on the cheek using the pig ballerina.

"Looks like you two are having fun, do you want to stay here while I go into the bath department and look for a new mat?" Brittany asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes!" Came two voices in unison.

"Ok, but after lunch we all have to go to the bookshelves together and pick one out for Max's room." Brittany instructed.

Brittany returned a half hour later to find Santana and Max in the same exact positions only surrounded by more toys. Santana had animal finger puppets on all of her fingers and was making them all talk to the bear and frog Max was holding up in front of her.

"Ok, you two lunch time." Brittany laughed.

"Awwww do we have to?" Santana whined causing Brittany to raise an eyebrow at her.

Santana and Max cleaned up the toys and the three of them made their way to the cafeteria.

"Wait, can I really get all that food for under $4?" Santana asked, eyeing the menu board skeptically.

"Yes, you can." Brittany smiled, handing her wife a tray.

"Britt, why don't we come here more often?!" Santana asked, not waiting for an answer before grabbing a chocolate chip cookie out of the display.

They found a table near the window and compared trays. Brittany had a salad, a small slice of a vegetable quiche, and a small cup of chocolate pudding. Max got macaroni and cheese with a side of broccoli and a small slice of chocolate cake. Santana had six Swedish meatballs, a piece of salmon, an order of macaroni and cheese, two potato pancakes, a slice of almond cake, a chocolate chip cookie, and three lingonberry juice boxes.

"What are you storing up to hibernate? How are you going to eat all of that?" Brittany asked, staring at Santana's two trays.

"Who cares? This was all $8!" Santana answered, starting in on her meatballs. "Oh my, so good." She said with a full mouth.

Brittany wasn't too surprised when Santana managed to finish most of the food, it reminded her of when they would have a week off from Cheerios practice during Christmas vacation and Santana would eat everything she came across for a whole week, she burned it off right away but it always made Brittany happy to see Santana allow herself to eat freely like that.

They finished eating and got back on path to the bookshelves. Santana had managed to fill another big yellow bag with stuff before they even reached the couches, but Brittany figured as long as Santana wasn't complaining and seemed to be having a good time she didn't care what they ended up going home with.

"Wait, I want to sit on the couches," Santana veered off the path, walking through the couches until settling into a bright blue love seat. "This is so comfortable! Why don't we have an Ikea sofa?" Santana yelled across the floor to Brittany who was lifting Max out of the wagon so he could sit on a couch also.

"Because you made us buy an incredibly overpriced one at that store uptown," Brittany answered.

"That's only because I didn't know how awesome these couches were. This one has storage underneath it and it comes in like twenty different colors!" Santana held up the tag for Brittany to see.

"I like this one, it pulls out into a bed!" Max motioned for Santana to come over. She literally leaped over a chaise lounge, landing next to Max.

"Britt, why didn't you tell me about this place sooner?!" Santana yelled to Brittany who was still waiting on the path, laughing at her wife and son.

"Santana, you've been here before. You hated it," Brittany threw her hands up.

"Well obviously I didn't know what this place was truly about. We should come here every Sunday!" Santana exclaimed, while she and Max found a new couch to try out. Ten minutes later the three were back on the path, trying to get to the bookshelves.

"Is that...is that a whole section of beds?" Santana asked, her eyes wide open.

"Oh no." Brittany mumbled at the ground.

"I call the one with the red headboard!" Santana yelled, racing Max through the maze of mattresses.

"I like this one!" Max said, jumping onto a full sized bed with bright blue sheets.

"Britt, come here, you have to feel how comfortable this mattress is," Santana sat up, waving to Brittany, who smiled and walked over.

"Wow, this is really comfortable," Brittany said, lying back, her legs hanging off the edge.

"Mmm you know what happens to me when we are in the same bed," Santana whispered to Brittany.

"Santana we are in public," Brittany blushed.

"That's never stopped us before," Santana wiggled her eyebrows.

"True, but our son is literally in the bed next to us," Brittany reasoned.

"So, he's seen us make out before," Santana leaned in.

"Santana, you are going to get us kicked..." Santana interrupted Brittany with a passionate kiss. Brittany lost her train of thought, focusing only on the way Santana's lips felt, the warmth of her mouth, and the hand that was slowly making it's way up her shirt. Wait, what?

"Santana!" Brittany pushed her wife off of her, jumping up and fixing her shirt. She was grateful there were only a couple of people staring at them and none of them was Max. "Sorry..." she waved at the people.

Santana got up off the bed with a very large smirk on her face, "this is the best store ever."

They finally made their way to the bookshelves, where Max picked out a light wooden piece and green storage bins that fit on some of the shelves for his toys.

They eventually ended up downstairs to pick up the actual bookshelf and another storage system Brittany saw, when she realized Santana and Max weren't next to her anymore.

"WHEEEEEEEEE!"

That was definitely Santana's voice, but where was it coming from? Brittany looked around nervously.

"WOOOOOHOOOOO!"

"It's like she's trying to get us kicked out," Brittany sighed and started looking up and down aisles for her family.

*WHOOSH* Brittany felt a gust of wind behind her. She turned around to find Santana pushing Max on a flatbed cart up and down the aisles.

"Go Maxy go!" Santana was yelling, "look how fast we can go!" Santana laughed, turning down another aisle.

"Brittany finished gathering the boxes onto her own cart, she got the last one on when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Do these belong to you?" A tall man in a yellow Ikea shirt asked her. Brittany looked behind him to see Santana and Max with their heads down, trying not to laugh.

"The little one does," Brittany answered.

"Uh...which one is that?" The clerk asked.

"Hey!" Santana glared at the clerk, causing Brittany to crack a smile.

"I'm sorry sir, we are just about to go pay. Thank you for bringing them back to me." Brittany gave Santana a dirty look.

"As punishment, you have to put Max's bookshelf together by yourself later," Brittany pointed at Santana.

"Pshh, one bookshelf? Please, I can do that with one hand tied behind my back. Speaking of which, if I put the bookshelf together, as a reward do I get to tie you up?" Santana wiggled her eyebrows at Brittany again.

"This is why I have secretly started a therapy fund for our son, because you say stuff like this in front of him," Brittany sighed and started wheeling the carts towards the cashiers.

Santana and Max looked at each other and shrugged, following Brittany.

While waiting on line, Santana went to the food court and bought Brittany a cinnamon bun as penance. She walked up behind Brittany and slipped a frosting coated finger into Brittany's mouth.

"Mmm, San," Brittany loudly moaned; now being the inappropriate one in public. She kept sucking on Santana's finger well after the frosting was gone, reaching behind her to pull Santana in closer.

"Now who's being troublesome?" Santana whispered.

"It's your fault," Brittany let Santana's finger go free, turning around for a quick peck. Santana blushed, feeding Brittany a piece of the cinnamon bun.

They paid, Brittany laughing at all the random stuff Santana managed to find. She wasn't sure where in the house the light shaped like a hand would go or why they needed six more cutting boards but at this point she was going to put this day in the win column and move on.

They got home, everyone tired from their adventure. Max and Oscar went into his room to play with his new toys while Brittany and Santana put their new random items away.

"Ok, hot-shot time to put Max's bookshelf together." Brittany smirked.

"No problem. You just sit your smoking hot ass right on that couch and watch your woman show this bookshelf who is boss," Santana said while flexing her arms towards Brittany. She took off her shirt, leaving her in a tight tank and even tighter jeans. Brittany was very ready to watch this show.

Things started off smoothly, Santana was well organized and had all the similar parts together. She put all the screws and little wooden parts in a small bowl so she wouldn't' lose any, and had the instructions out in front of her.

"So...it's only pictures?" Santana asked Brittany.

"Yup," Brittany answered, leaning back on the couch.

"No problem, I like pictures. I'm a very visual learner," Santana reasoned. "Ok, so it says to connect A with F. Well, ok." Santana found the A piece right away, but couldn't find F. "Where the heck is F? Nothing is labeled? The instructions show F, D, and H all looking the same." Santana started to get a little annoyed.

"I think it's that one," Brittany pointed helpfully from the couch.

"Oh ok, thanks." Santana put A and F together, using the special little Ikea wrench to secure them.

By the third step, it was clear who was the brains of this operation and who was the brawn and Santana was not happy about it.

"Britt, I can do this myself," Santana whined, wiping the sweat off her forehead.

"Ok baby, I'm just trying to help," Brittany smiled, getting up to get her wife some cold water.

"Stupid bookshelf, I manage 148 people at work!" Santana yelled at the pile of wood in front of her. "I was captain of the Cheerios! I have been listening to Rachel Berry talk for almost three decades!" Santana huffed at the dismantled bookshelf.

Brittany came back in the room to find her wife standing over the bookshelf, looking like she was ready to fight it.

"Here baby, I got you some cold water." Brittany handed the glass to Santana, guiding her over to the couch.

"That bookshelf is defective." Santana pouted, giving the pile of wood a dirty look.

"Maybe..." Brittany rolled her eyes. "How about this, why don't you go take a nap and I'll try to put it together." Brittany offered.

"I have a better idea," Santana put the glass down, moving to straddle Brittany. "How about we both go take a nap," Santana started gently rocking back and forth on top of Brittany, "and the first person to orgasm has to put that stupid bookshelf together after," Santana leaned in, sucking on Brittany's neck just below her ear. Brittany let out a moan, signaling Santana she had a good plan.

"That's a very good plan," Brittany gasped, as Santana bit down on her collarbone.

"Who knew going to Ikea could be such good foreplay?" Santana asked out loud.

"Certainly not me..." Brittany smirked to herself.


End file.
